Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
