If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
