My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
