Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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