I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm gonna fight the coyote
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
