every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
