the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
