How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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