your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize