so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
