Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
