i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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