She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
