Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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