guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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