a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Dicks are not precious.
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