If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
