i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
