You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I checked into jail on foursquare
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
