he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
