I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
