this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
