Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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