Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize