we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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