I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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