Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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