If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Holy sore nipples Batman
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
