Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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