I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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