i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
