someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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