so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
