How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
