Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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