yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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