I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
