I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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