is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
