There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
