You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
