see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
