I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
