John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
