Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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