why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
