I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
