im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How does it feel to date your dad?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize