my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
