Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
