I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
