okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
