Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
