She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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