From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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