Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
