a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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