I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
