This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
