This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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