the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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