I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
